yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
