That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
