i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
