I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
