Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
