I looked at my own cervix.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
