I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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