Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
