eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
