i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
