I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
