There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
