I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
being pregnant is like rehab
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
