hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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