My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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