is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
