You're completely useless in the revolution.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
