dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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