Your mouth is God's brothel.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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