I wish my penis had an off switch
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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