they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
