you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
