Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
