Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The air was thick with penises
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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