Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
