You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
