I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
