Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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