Ambien. No doubt about it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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