I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
