just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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