There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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