If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
