The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
