ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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