He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
