I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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