Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
