somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
