Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
