dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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