I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
