No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
