Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
