I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
