Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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