He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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