and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
