on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
