they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
