waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
