i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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