Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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