This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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