I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
