It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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