So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
