I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think your dad took our porno
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
