I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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